Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
