once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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