Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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