Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
