Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
