We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
did you just send me my own nude
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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