Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
