someone threw a dead crab at me
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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