if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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