i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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