Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
