god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
