Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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