just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
