haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Randomize
