My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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