Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
