Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
