you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
