if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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