i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
