Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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