so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
