just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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