and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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