do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
