Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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