I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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