Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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