I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
My bed smells like the plague
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
