We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Randomize
