You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
