you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
We left an ass print on the piano.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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