just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
