Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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