He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
