there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I pour the whiskey from now on
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
