I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
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I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
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i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I believe in your delicious
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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