I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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