My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
