her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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