does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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