my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
