A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
