Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
