that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
