mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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