He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
