Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
