I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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