I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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