Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
