My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
