It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
