Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Randomize
