I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
