he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
