I need to stop coming to work sober
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
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you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
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I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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