Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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