I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
